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00:00:26,850 --> 00:00:33,859
Good evening. It's wonderful to be back
with you once again, isn't it, Ronnie?

2
00:00:33,860 --> 00:00:37,079
Indeed it is. And in a packed programme
tonight, we shall be meeting the disc

3
00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:40,959
jockey who crossed a little raver with a
contortionist and got a girl who does

4
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:42,640
requests on the back of a postcard.

5
00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:46,939
We'll be meeting Tiddles, a cat who
never gets lost, and we'll be learning

6
00:00:46,940 --> 00:00:48,020
secret of his success.

7
00:00:48,100 --> 00:00:49,480
He only eats homing pigeons.

8
00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:55,519
But first, the news. An Oxford
University professor has returned from

9
00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:57,300
East with the Dead Sea Scrolls.

10
00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:00,990
However, it's clearing up nicely and
he'll be back at work on Monday.

11
00:01:02,990 --> 00:01:09,329
Super grass pigeon o' stool yesterday
told how his only ambition is to become

12
00:01:09,330 --> 00:01:10,380
pillar of the church.

13
00:01:10,490 --> 00:01:13,920
Several of his oldest friends were out
today buying sand and cement.

14
00:01:15,090 --> 00:01:19,729
On sale in Moscow today were perfectly
preserved frozen steaks of Siberian

15
00:01:19,730 --> 00:01:23,689
mammoth from the last ice age. A
spokesman said they are cheap and

16
00:01:23,690 --> 00:01:25,730
but take 4 ,000 years to defrost.

17
00:01:26,310 --> 00:01:27,370
Strong wind.

18
00:01:27,740 --> 00:01:32,239
which swept through southern England
last night caused extensive damage to

19
00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:33,019
royal mint.

20
00:01:33,020 --> 00:01:35,200
They also made a mess of the royal
rhubarb.

21
00:01:37,620 --> 00:01:42,319
Ginger, the first cat ever to go into
space, had a nasty experience today. He

22
00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:43,880
was seen to by the flying doctor.

23
00:01:45,460 --> 00:01:51,039
Mr Cyril Smith confounded critics of his
appearance today by revealing that his

24
00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:54,340
suits are made in Savile Row and the two
adjoining streets.

25
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And now sketch time, Mr. Ronnie Corbett,
in which I give him Sonia Lannerman's

26
00:01:59,580 --> 00:02:01,750
phone number and he tries to pull a fast
one.

27
00:02:13,980 --> 00:02:15,600
Oh. Morning, sir. Morning. Morning.

28
00:02:15,601 --> 00:02:18,409
Morning. My wife and I have just moved
into the village.

29
00:02:18,410 --> 00:02:22,329
And you've been recommended to us. Oh,
that's very nice, sir. Probably because

30
00:02:22,330 --> 00:02:23,830
we're the only shop in the area.

31
00:02:23,831 --> 00:02:27,609
Well, now, sir, what can I do for you,
sir? Well, the wife has written out this

32
00:02:27,610 --> 00:02:29,669
shopping list. She's not got the best
handwriting.

33
00:02:29,670 --> 00:02:33,229
Not very easy to decipher. Oh, don't you
worry, sir. You give it to me. I'm used

34
00:02:33,230 --> 00:02:35,700
to reading people's terrible
handwriting, sir.

35
00:02:35,810 --> 00:02:37,610
No, I can't understand a word of that.

36
00:02:37,611 --> 00:02:41,229
No, it's not easy. I shall have to have
a go. I'll manage. I've got the sort

37
00:02:41,230 --> 00:02:42,280
of... Yes.

38
00:02:42,870 --> 00:02:44,690
Start off, a large tin of bears.

39
00:02:45,010 --> 00:02:46,510
Large tin of bears. Bears what?

40
00:02:46,961 --> 00:02:49,009
No, just bears.

41
00:02:49,010 --> 00:02:51,490
Oh, that'll be pears. A large tin of
pears, yes.

42
00:02:51,730 --> 00:02:52,950
No, it's beans.

43
00:02:53,190 --> 00:02:54,240
Sorry, beans.

44
00:02:54,270 --> 00:02:55,890
Beans, is it? A large tin of beans.

45
00:02:56,070 --> 00:02:57,690
Preferably Crescent Blockwell.

46
00:02:57,691 --> 00:03:01,449
Yeah, that's Crescent Blockwell. Near
enough, sir. There we are, sir.

47
00:03:01,450 --> 00:03:07,229
Now, some Cornish Panties, is it?
Cornish Panties. Oh, that'll be Cornish

48
00:03:07,230 --> 00:03:08,280
Pasties, sir, yes.

49
00:03:08,281 --> 00:03:09,889
How many would you like, sir?

50
00:03:09,890 --> 00:03:12,690
Two. She eats them all the time. Oh,
really?

51
00:03:12,910 --> 00:03:13,960
Really? What size?

52
00:03:14,230 --> 00:03:15,280
Outsize. Oh, is she?

53
00:03:15,281 --> 00:03:20,419
Oh, there's a nice one, sir, there, with
the nice frilly edges. There we are,

54
00:03:20,420 --> 00:03:23,280
sir. One pair of frilly pasties. Right.

55
00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:26,700
Are you sure they're the right size for
the wife, sir?

56
00:03:26,701 --> 00:03:29,839
Oh, yes, sir, they'll be all right.
Well, because if they're not, tell her

57
00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:32,430
pop by and drop them in the shop and
I'll change them.

58
00:03:33,860 --> 00:03:37,879
Right, now, want some slippy soap?
Slippy soap, sir? No, stinky lube. Is

59
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:38,930
stinky lube, sir?

60
00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:43,639
Loopy lube. Loopy lube. Oh, that'll be
soup, sir. No, sorry, stinky loam.

61
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,650
loam? Yes, that'll be the fertilizer
department over here.

62
00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:50,610
I think it's spicy love. Spicy love? Oh,
that'll be paperbacks.

63
00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:53,140
No, it's sliced meat.

64
00:03:54,351 --> 00:03:56,339
I've got it.

65
00:03:56,340 --> 00:03:57,390
Sliced loaf.

66
00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:03,719
Are you sure it's a sliced loaf? Yes,
it's got wholemeal in breakfast. Oh,

67
00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:06,279
would have helped to start with,
wouldn't it? So really, there we are.

68
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,579
Wholemeal, there we are. So, yes. Jolly
Christmas?

69
00:04:08,580 --> 00:04:09,960
That's very nice of you, sir.

70
00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:15,940
Jolly Christmas? Oh, jelly crystals.
That'll be jelly crystals. There we are.

71
00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:20,290
Jelly crystals? What else have we got? A
small union man. Would that be you,

72
00:04:20,350 --> 00:04:21,400
sir?

73
00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:24,590
Small onion plant.

74
00:04:25,090 --> 00:04:26,140
That's right.

75
00:04:26,670 --> 00:04:28,870
I can't read the next one. What's that
one?

76
00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:30,590
Doll puddles.

77
00:04:30,890 --> 00:04:31,940
Doll puddles?

78
00:04:31,941 --> 00:04:35,769
Oh, I know what that'll be. That'll be
the new dolly they've got out ready for

79
00:04:35,770 --> 00:04:37,890
Christmas. Isn't she lovely, eh?

80
00:04:38,130 --> 00:04:41,370
She wets herself and then comes out in
spots all over the place.

81
00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:44,600
Then you rub cream on it and her hair
grows.

82
00:04:47,660 --> 00:04:50,010
Must be dog puddles. Where? Not in here,
sir. No,

83
00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:53,100
it's... Look, silly me.

84
00:04:53,101 --> 00:04:54,299
Dill pickles.

85
00:04:54,300 --> 00:04:58,219
Oh, dill pickles, yes. We've got some of
them. Dill pickles, right. It isn't

86
00:04:58,220 --> 00:05:01,239
easy, but one gets used to them. Yes,
you're getting it now, sir, yes.

87
00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:03,000
Two large stiff and kindly pigs.

88
00:05:06,260 --> 00:05:10,219
Oh, two large steam and kidney pills.
That'll be these. They're all there

89
00:05:10,220 --> 00:05:13,299
strong. They're not the raw things, sir.
There we are. No, I don't think it's

90
00:05:13,300 --> 00:05:14,059
those. No.

91
00:05:14,060 --> 00:05:17,299
Is it two large steak and kidney pies?
Steak and kidney pies, yes.

92
00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:22,680
Will that be lots, sir? Two topless
moulds? Two topless moulds. Two towel

93
00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:24,900
No, two toilet rolls. Two toilet rolls.

94
00:05:24,901 --> 00:05:28,619
What else have we got, sir? That's that.
Is that a... That's a bot of raspberry

95
00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:29,619
gym. Oh.

96
00:05:29,620 --> 00:05:32,459
Will that be a small bot or a large bot?
Well, it is for the wife. Oh, it'll be

97
00:05:32,460 --> 00:05:33,600
a large bot. Definitely.

98
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:37,599
A bot of raspberry gym. There we are,
sir. What else have we got? A tin of

99
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:38,650
sliced parrots.

100
00:05:38,940 --> 00:05:42,400
There we are. A pond of self -raising
flood. Oh, yes.

101
00:05:43,550 --> 00:05:44,770
A self -raising flood.

102
00:05:45,150 --> 00:05:46,770
A large bedroom, yeah.

103
00:05:47,290 --> 00:05:48,990
Half a new member, yes.

104
00:05:51,850 --> 00:05:54,380
And finally, a bunch of ruderies. There
we are, sir.

105
00:05:54,381 --> 00:05:57,889
That'll be the lot, sir. Yes, if you
like. Do you have cash on delivery?

106
00:05:57,890 --> 00:05:59,369
Certainly. There's my address.

107
00:05:59,370 --> 00:06:02,749
Oh, thank you, sir. That's where we'll
send them, then, sir. Mr and Mrs Spith,

108
00:06:02,750 --> 00:06:05,700
number 220 Foop, Thigh Street, opposite
the Puffs office.

109
00:06:15,841 --> 00:06:19,199
Further, that is completely untrue.

110
00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:22,579
I'm not really Joan Collins at all. Be
honest, though, I had many of you fooled

111
00:06:22,580 --> 00:06:23,859
there for a moment, didn't I?

112
00:06:23,860 --> 00:06:28,440
That is because in my job I am specially
trained in the art of telling lies.

113
00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:31,750
No, madam, it's not another party
political broadcast.

114
00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:36,239
So what is it I do? Well, what I'm about
to tell you tonight is, of course,

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incredibly secret.

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Ever so secret. So you must listen very
carefully, then when I've said it,

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memorize it completely.

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And then forget it.

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And then eat the television set.

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00:06:47,850 --> 00:06:51,880
In the secret organisation I work for,
all identities, for security purposes,

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00:06:51,950 --> 00:06:53,870
have to be kept strictly confidential.

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00:06:54,010 --> 00:06:58,549
For instance, I haven't the faintest
idea who I am, nor do I know what my job

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00:06:58,550 --> 00:07:02,949
is. When I drive myself home from work,
I have to wear a blindfold so I don't

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00:07:02,950 --> 00:07:04,000
find out where I live.

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Even in the bedroom at night, my wife
and I have to observe strict security

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00:07:08,710 --> 00:07:09,760
precautions.

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00:07:09,761 --> 00:07:12,949
First of all, we switch out the light,
then I get undressed and approach the

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00:07:12,950 --> 00:07:16,260
bed, and my wife will challenge me with
the words, who goes there?

129
00:07:17,930 --> 00:07:21,849
I then reply with a secret password,
which is a cockeyed, cack -handed

130
00:07:21,850 --> 00:07:24,709
from Connecticut collecting coffee
-coloured cream cracker crumbs in a

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00:07:24,710 --> 00:07:25,760
crack cocoa cup.

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00:07:27,270 --> 00:07:30,220
If I get that wrong, I have to sleep on
the landing with a cat.

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00:07:30,221 --> 00:07:34,619
A short, white, Caucasian cat called
Corky with a chronic cough and crook.

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00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:37,210
And if I get that wrong, the cat puts me
out all night.

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00:07:37,940 --> 00:07:42,059
Now, this all -pervading secrecy over
names could, of course, be very harmful

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00:07:42,060 --> 00:07:45,839
the normal smooth running of whatever it
is we do in our department. So, in

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00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:48,879
order that we have something to call
each other, we simply stick pins at

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into a phone book.

139
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:52,040
And my name is Slumberland Quilts.

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00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:54,820
But that's just a cover.

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00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:00,899
When I joined the highly secret
organisation to which I now belong, I

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00:08:00,900 --> 00:08:04,599
of all, to sign the Official Secrets
Act. This means that I agreed to be

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00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:08,330
by the articles, which is much worse
than being bound by the hands and feet.

144
00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:15,179
Now, official secrets. I'm sorry to say
that in Britain today, we have very few

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00:08:15,180 --> 00:08:15,979
of these left.

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00:08:15,980 --> 00:08:19,319
So if you've got any secrets you don't
need anymore, please send them straight

147
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:20,840
away to me at this address.

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00:08:20,841 --> 00:08:26,719
Which, of course, must remain a secret.
Now, one of the most interesting things

149
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:30,839
about my job is the equipment some of us
have to use. Here, for instance, is a

150
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:32,040
bottle of invisible ink.

151
00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:35,770
Oh, dear, it's empty.

152
00:08:37,140 --> 00:08:39,940
Now, what about ballpoints? Well, we
never award them.

153
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:46,120
What is the best way to bug a telephone?

154
00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:48,730
Well, ring it and run away. That really
bugs me.

155
00:08:48,731 --> 00:08:54,789
And, of course, there are also devices
for countering bugs. In Britain today,

156
00:08:54,790 --> 00:08:58,789
have now developed a foolproof system
for jamming virtually any telephone call

157
00:08:58,790 --> 00:09:01,470
anywhere in the country. It's known as
the GPO.

158
00:09:02,790 --> 00:09:05,910
And, of course, for sports fans, there
is always this.

159
00:09:06,150 --> 00:09:07,310
A Bristol supporter.

160
00:09:09,390 --> 00:09:13,289
For female agents... This innocuous
-looking bra is, in fact, cleverly

161
00:09:13,290 --> 00:09:16,069
constructed to conceal a tape recorder.
Very simple to operate.

162
00:09:16,070 --> 00:09:18,190
To record, you press this side here.

163
00:09:18,730 --> 00:09:20,870
To rewind, you press this side here.

164
00:09:21,090 --> 00:09:23,980
And, of course, for play, you just take
it off altogether.

165
00:09:26,090 --> 00:09:32,079
Now, this scrambling device... Works in
much the same way as the one you put on

166
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:35,679
a phone when you don't want anyone
listening to understand what you're

167
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:38,539
Except with this one, you can use it
when you're actually speaking to someone

168
00:09:38,540 --> 00:09:42,380
face -to -face. All you do is insert it
up your nostril like this, you see?

169
00:09:42,381 --> 00:09:46,479
Then you can go on here until your tents
can talk so nobody can understand a

170
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:47,920
word of standing or what -ing.

171
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:51,819
And if you had a dong lay at work, you
can trub out your wiffles to the poor

172
00:09:51,820 --> 00:09:55,130
without having to leak over any warrior
seats on the fourth floor.

173
00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:59,180
Works perfectly. Now, cover.

174
00:09:59,690 --> 00:10:03,529
Now, I know several men who are
undersecretaries at the Home Office, and

175
00:10:03,530 --> 00:10:05,030
vice versa, come to think of it.

176
00:10:07,430 --> 00:10:10,440
Always a good cover, that. Now,
disguise, too, is important.

177
00:10:10,490 --> 00:10:15,189
A colleague of mine, Sir Catford Public
Library, is an absolute withered in the

178
00:10:15,190 --> 00:10:18,200
art of disguise. In fact, I'd like to
introduce him to you now.

179
00:10:19,050 --> 00:10:20,100
There he is.

180
00:10:23,770 --> 00:10:27,500
Uncanny. He's wonderful at impersonating
fruit. You should see it, Banana.

181
00:10:28,661 --> 00:10:31,359
There you have it in a nutshell.

182
00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:33,499
Oh, that's something else he can do, of
course.

183
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:36,519
Now, whatever you do, don't breathe a
word of what I said tonight to anyone,

184
00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:39,459
will you? Like I said last night when
the boss asked me what I made of his new

185
00:10:39,460 --> 00:10:41,140
secretary, mum's the word.

186
00:10:41,340 --> 00:10:42,390
Good night.

187
00:10:56,810 --> 00:10:59,610
You know old Cyril Harris with the one
eye?

188
00:11:00,570 --> 00:11:03,310
Yeah. You don't see much of him lately.

189
00:11:03,690 --> 00:11:06,410
No. Well, he don't see much of us
either.

190
00:11:07,650 --> 00:11:09,510
Where did you see him, then?

191
00:11:09,850 --> 00:11:11,090
I saw him at the pictures.

192
00:11:11,370 --> 00:11:15,929
He went up to go to the box office. He
said, with the one eye, I should think

193
00:11:15,930 --> 00:11:17,510
you let me in for a half price.

194
00:11:18,570 --> 00:11:19,870
He wasn't having it.

195
00:11:20,610 --> 00:11:25,210
Oh, did he have to pay full price, then?
He had to pay double. Double?

196
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:26,810
Why was that, then?

197
00:11:26,980 --> 00:11:31,060
She reckoned with one eye, it'd take him
twice as long to see the picture.

198
00:11:38,540 --> 00:11:40,700
Ladies and gentlemen, this is our
people.

199
00:12:06,540 --> 00:12:10,880
I saw you in the shadows, acting so
free.

200
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:16,280
I knew the last thing on your mind was
me.

201
00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:25,220
I could hear the laughter from that
moment after.

202
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:29,860
You had my pride down on its knees.

203
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:35,400
Who did you not belong to?

204
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:42,919
Now that I'm gone, does she call you
baby all night

205
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:43,970
long?

206
00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:49,100
Who does your night belong to?

207
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:52,320
Who's the one you turn to?

208
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:56,220
Are you dancing to our favorite?

209
00:13:06,650 --> 00:13:12,350
Down the way, it's down in my heart to
break it.

210
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:49,279
to get me back I'll be left with

211
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:55,919
feelings that will go unsatisfied my
need for you is very

212
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:56,980
much alive

213
00:14:13,610 --> 00:14:14,660
get by

214
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:02,410
is 2012.

215
00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:07,279
Dear old England, land of heroes, is
being ruled with a rod of iron by a new

216
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:10,760
regime. The country is now being run
entirely by women.

217
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:14,330
They govern. They are the breadwinners.
They wear the trousers.

218
00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:18,599
Men, completely subjugated, are now the
housewives, forced to wear dresses and

219
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:19,680
given feminine names.

220
00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:24,559
But some of the worms are about to turn,
among them these two men, Janet and

221
00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:25,610
Betty.

222
00:15:25,611 --> 00:15:31,859
wanted by the dreaded secret police for
crimes against the state, our heroes

223
00:15:31,860 --> 00:15:35,339
break into headquarters to steal their
own identity papers, hoping to cover

224
00:15:35,340 --> 00:15:38,939
their tracks. But as they meet the next
day during their routine daily shopping

225
00:15:38,940 --> 00:15:42,310
trip, they know that never again will
their lives be quite the same.

226
00:15:42,620 --> 00:15:43,670
Here's the sugar.

227
00:15:43,671 --> 00:15:44,759
How are you getting on?

228
00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:47,110
Fine. All I need now is coffee and
powdered milk.

229
00:15:47,111 --> 00:15:48,859
Powdered milk for the country?

230
00:15:48,860 --> 00:15:52,399
We can't just leave a note outside for
the milk girl, can we? I mean, no one

231
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:53,419
must know we're there.

232
00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:54,749
How long will it take to get there?

233
00:15:54,750 --> 00:15:56,189
Oh, about a couple of hours. Oh, fine.

234
00:15:56,190 --> 00:15:59,200
I'll put all this lot in the car. I'll
shave off from the start.

235
00:16:02,390 --> 00:16:03,510
Hello, Cynthia.

236
00:16:05,030 --> 00:16:06,710
How's Arthur? He hasn't baby yet?

237
00:16:06,950 --> 00:16:08,190
Yes. A boy.

238
00:16:08,191 --> 00:16:09,289
Oh, good.

239
00:16:09,290 --> 00:16:10,790
What are you going to call him?

240
00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:11,920
Marigold.

241
00:16:11,921 --> 00:16:16,729
I'll pick you up in an hour, and before
you can say Jill Robinson, we'll be

242
00:16:16,730 --> 00:16:19,169
tucked away in your little country
hideout just the two of us.

243
00:16:19,170 --> 00:16:20,220
No, three of us.

244
00:16:20,221 --> 00:16:21,989
What? Who?

245
00:16:21,990 --> 00:16:23,070
Herbert, my pet mouse.

246
00:16:23,071 --> 00:16:26,399
What? Oh, yes, I take him everywhere
with me. I've got him with me now.

247
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:29,420
Where? In my bag. He's in a little
tobacco tin. Look, here he is.

248
00:16:34,100 --> 00:16:35,480
Oh, well, if he must, he must.

249
00:16:35,481 --> 00:16:39,619
But you have to realise, Janet, old
chap, we're going to be very tight on

250
00:16:39,620 --> 00:16:42,039
Oh, he doesn't eat a lot of food, just a
little bit of cheese. He, damn, he

251
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:42,619
likes this.

252
00:16:42,620 --> 00:16:44,560
Oh, how long has that been, buddy here?

253
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:48,220
Won't it be all mouldy? He likes it
mouldy. Oh, I suppose so.

254
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:51,520
That's your car down there.

255
00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:53,400
Oh, what car is that, my dear?

256
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:54,940
The one in the lane.

257
00:17:55,180 --> 00:17:57,160
Oh, what lane is that, my dear?

258
00:17:57,161 --> 00:17:58,959
The lane at the back of the house.

259
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:01,020
Oh, what house is that, my dear?

260
00:18:01,021 --> 00:18:02,419
This house.

261
00:18:02,420 --> 00:18:04,200
Oh, this house. Oh, that lane.

262
00:18:04,460 --> 00:18:06,860
Oh, what car is that, my dear?

263
00:18:08,140 --> 00:18:09,580
Have you got a car?

264
00:18:10,220 --> 00:18:14,659
No, no, never had a car, no. We've never
had a car in our lives, no. Well, we

265
00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:15,259
have one.

266
00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:16,720
It was a little mini.

267
00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:20,269
But we had to get rid of it because he
couldn't get in it. He's so tall, you

268
00:18:20,270 --> 00:18:22,270
see. He's so very, very tall.

269
00:18:23,190 --> 00:18:24,240
Doesn't he say much?

270
00:18:24,650 --> 00:18:27,590
No. He's deaf and dumb, aren't you? Yes.

271
00:18:30,190 --> 00:18:31,510
Well, he's deaf, isn't he?

272
00:18:31,970 --> 00:18:33,020
He heard you.

273
00:18:33,210 --> 00:18:35,010
Oh, yeah, lip read, you see, lip read.

274
00:18:36,910 --> 00:18:38,430
Pardon? You lip read.

275
00:18:40,970 --> 00:18:42,350
I'm looking for a short man.

276
00:18:42,550 --> 00:18:44,070
Yes, I prefer one myself.

277
00:18:44,810 --> 00:18:46,860
Keep your eyes and ears open, both of
you.

278
00:18:47,070 --> 00:18:48,120
Do you understand?

279
00:18:48,290 --> 00:18:49,970
It's about a quarter past five.

280
00:18:59,330 --> 00:19:05,170
Where did you get all this stuff?

281
00:19:05,171 --> 00:19:08,589
The pantomime cautions from the grammar
club. They asked me to look after them a

282
00:19:08,590 --> 00:19:10,089
couple of years ago. Still here.

283
00:19:10,090 --> 00:19:11,170
Lucky for us, they are.

284
00:19:11,171 --> 00:19:13,329
I mean, what were the ones we were
wearing?

285
00:19:13,330 --> 00:19:14,530
The two yokels.

286
00:19:15,070 --> 00:19:16,310
Sarah and Henry.

287
00:19:16,311 --> 00:19:18,449
What, in Jill and the Beanstalk?

288
00:19:18,450 --> 00:19:21,809
No, there were two extra characters we
put in to sing the song. You can drive a

289
00:19:21,810 --> 00:19:23,800
horse to water, but a pencil must be
led.

290
00:19:26,050 --> 00:19:29,890
Not as bad as the principal boy singing,
I did it her way.

291
00:19:29,891 --> 00:19:34,229
Still, these things definitely got us
out of trouble.

292
00:19:34,230 --> 00:19:35,280
They'll be back.

293
00:19:35,281 --> 00:19:38,889
You think so? Oh, I'm sure of it. I
can't be standing on a box all the time.

294
00:19:38,890 --> 00:19:41,429
that's true. This place has got an
outside toilet. Yes.

295
00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:43,170
You can't be there without your box.

296
00:19:43,310 --> 00:19:44,850
Exactly. I'd be caught short.

297
00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:45,420
Where? In my hindquarters.

298
00:21:45,860 --> 00:21:47,780
Don't be silly, I'm your hindquarters.

299
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:05,540
I wish I had my catapult.

300
00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:09,980
Some booze eyes to be scored over there.

301
00:22:09,981 --> 00:22:15,659
balls at the moment, old chap. I'm in a
tricky position back here.

302
00:22:15,660 --> 00:22:18,099
If there's a bull in this field, he
might charge us.

303
00:22:18,100 --> 00:22:20,450
Well, I hope not. I haven't got any
money with me.

304
00:22:38,700 --> 00:22:42,160
One, two, left, right, left, right,
left.

305
00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:52,350
That milkmaid turning up was a nasty
moment.

306
00:22:52,380 --> 00:22:55,690
She must have been pretty short -sighted
to be taken in by this lot.

307
00:22:55,691 --> 00:22:58,899
I'd love to have seen her face when she
groped round my udders and I handed her

308
00:22:58,900 --> 00:23:00,280
this little flap in the back.

309
00:23:02,020 --> 00:23:03,580
That's what attracted the bull.

310
00:23:03,581 --> 00:23:06,659
That's when I decided we ought to make a
rum for it.

311
00:23:06,660 --> 00:23:09,899
I mean, I would have been all right. I
could have just stood there eating the

312
00:23:09,900 --> 00:23:10,950
grass.

313
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:12,940
You would have borne the brunt of it.

314
00:23:14,420 --> 00:23:19,040
Well, now, they're off the scent for a
while, but they're still in the village.

315
00:23:19,041 --> 00:23:21,849
We've somehow got to get right away from
the area.

316
00:23:21,850 --> 00:23:28,209
We need a vehicle with four wheels
rather than four legs. Yes. Not only

317
00:23:28,210 --> 00:23:31,100
need a vehicle with a couple of good
safe places to hide in.

318
00:24:15,630 --> 00:24:18,220
Is this the end for our two heroes,
Betty and Janet?

319
00:24:18,221 --> 00:24:21,609
Is it possible the police pigs will see
through the pig's will?

320
00:24:21,610 --> 00:24:23,170
Or is it a load of hogwash?

321
00:24:23,990 --> 00:24:28,790
Don't miss next week's enchanting
episode of The Worm That Turned.

322
00:24:45,420 --> 00:24:46,470
A creme de mes?

323
00:24:46,471 --> 00:24:47,439
Yeah, yeah.

324
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:51,019
It's not like you, creme de mes. I know,
but we are now in the European

325
00:24:51,020 --> 00:24:52,520
communique, eh, we said, eh?

326
00:24:52,521 --> 00:24:56,439
I mean, we've got to start acting and
thinking like our cousins across the

327
00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:57,900
water, a la Incontinent.

328
00:24:58,420 --> 00:24:59,470
Right,

329
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:01,960
pint of creme de mes, says he. A pint?

330
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:07,359
You always have a pint, don't you? I
know, but you can't drink a pint when

331
00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:09,040
you're in the abroad, it's laters.

332
00:25:10,380 --> 00:25:12,160
A liter of creme de mes? No.

333
00:25:13,140 --> 00:25:16,579
Just a creme de... a mess. Ignore him,
Charlie. I mean, you don't sit on the

334
00:25:16,580 --> 00:25:17,980
sidewalk cafes, do you?

335
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:19,780
Stuffing pints down your neck.

336
00:25:19,781 --> 00:25:22,619
I'll be on the floor by the time I'm
left here.

337
00:25:22,620 --> 00:25:25,270
You always are on the floor by the time
you leave here.

338
00:25:26,940 --> 00:25:28,500
Right, there you are.

339
00:25:28,501 --> 00:25:30,039
That's it.

340
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:31,090
Cheers.

341
00:25:35,139 --> 00:25:40,219
I know, but you can't go on a seven -day
lightning charabang tour of 26 Italian

342
00:25:40,220 --> 00:25:43,760
cities and stop in some of them without
it changing you, can you?

343
00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:46,740
But I thought you didn't enjoy yourself.

344
00:25:46,741 --> 00:25:50,639
I mean, you sent me that card saying,
having a rotten time, wish you was here,

345
00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:51,179
didn't you?

346
00:25:51,180 --> 00:25:54,320
Yeah, yeah. The first day, you see, I
got Spanish tubby.

347
00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:55,890
What, in Italy?

348
00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:00,220
Yeah, and a charabang and all.

349
00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:05,580
Then the second day, me and, uh, me and,
uh... a thingy, what's her name?

350
00:26:05,980 --> 00:26:07,300
Ede. Ede, the wife, yeah.

351
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:13,399
We was sitting on this beach, you know,
minding our own business, absolutely

352
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:16,590
behaving ourselves, just chucking bottle
tops at the Germans.

353
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:23,679
And suddenly this Italian, this bronzed,
hairy Italian, ran past completely in

354
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:25,160
the nuddy, streaking he was.

355
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:26,530
Oh dear.

356
00:26:27,060 --> 00:26:30,430
Ede had a stroke, did she? No, she
couldn't reach from where she was.

357
00:26:34,011 --> 00:26:41,039
Then, of course, on the third day, we
gave that the elbow. We started doing

358
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:43,870
various beauty spots or what have you,
you know. Oh, yeah.

359
00:26:43,940 --> 00:26:50,640
Did you go to Mount Edna? No, none of
that went on because of... Creeping

360
00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:52,810
Creeping about.

361
00:26:52,811 --> 00:26:55,419
Creeping about. I don't mean creeping
about.

362
00:26:55,420 --> 00:26:58,720
I mean Mount Edna. They've all... Not
creeping about.

363
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:03,839
Mount Edna, the volcanic... What's her
name? Oh, no. We didn't have time to go

364
00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:04,900
and see no volcanoes.

365
00:27:05,220 --> 00:27:07,080
No, we was too busy sightseeing, yeah.

366
00:27:09,340 --> 00:27:15,280
Now, that there, that is Ede standing in
front of the famous Colosseum in Rome.

367
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,140
That's a hemorrhoid I took on.

368
00:27:18,580 --> 00:27:22,000
Oh, it looks a bit rough. It doesn't
have to look a bit rough. Oh, yeah,

369
00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:24,130
she'd been on the booze the night
before.

370
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:26,440
No, I mean the building, the building.

371
00:27:26,441 --> 00:27:27,279
Oh, yeah.

372
00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:29,040
Looks like a split -level bomb site.

373
00:27:30,180 --> 00:27:34,500
Is that your hotel room? No, no. That is
the famous Colosseum in Rome, isn't it?

374
00:27:35,580 --> 00:27:37,990
It's better to look all right when you
finish it.

375
00:27:39,940 --> 00:27:44,360
I don't go in for this travelling abroad
much, this kind of... I mean, I reckon,

376
00:27:44,361 --> 00:27:46,439
really, if God had meant it to be in
other parts of the world, it's all

377
00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:47,520
foreigners, you know.

378
00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:48,610
Well,

379
00:27:49,140 --> 00:27:53,299
I mean, there's, you know, travelling in
warmer climes and all that. I mean, Lil

380
00:27:53,300 --> 00:27:59,200
and I did it a bit once. We, you know,
you know, my sister Rosie.

381
00:27:59,201 --> 00:28:00,479
Yeah. You know.

382
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:05,319
Yeah. But Rosie married old young Ted
Knox. Oh, I know, I know. Yeah, she has

383
00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:06,520
broken nose and tattoos.

384
00:28:06,620 --> 00:28:07,670
Yeah, that's her.

385
00:28:09,700 --> 00:28:12,050
We had a holiday with her once, you
know, Villa.

386
00:28:12,340 --> 00:28:16,459
And I remember one night we were just at
this bar having a drink outside, you

387
00:28:16,460 --> 00:28:17,159
know. Yeah.

388
00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:19,140
And a little quiet drink, you know.

389
00:28:19,141 --> 00:28:21,729
Well, Lil was making a bit of a noise,
you know.

390
00:28:21,730 --> 00:28:24,470
A little bit of slurping, you know.
Yeah, yeah.

391
00:28:25,430 --> 00:28:26,480
Nothing offensive.

392
00:28:26,730 --> 00:28:29,380
And we were, well, a little bit
offensive, actually.

393
00:28:29,930 --> 00:28:32,220
We were all standing... Well, bloody
offensive.

394
00:28:33,390 --> 00:28:38,009
We're standing there, and this fellow
only waltzes by and pinches her what's

395
00:28:38,010 --> 00:28:39,060
-her -name.

396
00:28:39,350 --> 00:28:40,730
Well, a backside, you mean?

397
00:28:40,970 --> 00:28:42,020
No, a purse.

398
00:28:43,350 --> 00:28:45,350
Well, where was this then? L .A.

399
00:28:45,710 --> 00:28:47,730
Los Angeles? No, Little Hampton.

400
00:28:50,730 --> 00:28:54,769
I would hardly say that a week spent in
your sister's villa in Littlehampton is

401
00:28:54,770 --> 00:28:58,069
a yardstick by which to measure the rest
of the world, boy, is it? I mean, see,

402
00:28:58,070 --> 00:29:01,129
in my opinion, I reckon that the world
is shrinking all the time, don't you?

403
00:29:01,130 --> 00:29:04,449
Well, funny you say that. Yeah. Because
I was reading the paper and article

404
00:29:04,450 --> 00:29:07,370
about the upper atmosphere of the air
cooling.

405
00:29:07,850 --> 00:29:08,900
Cooling who?

406
00:29:09,830 --> 00:29:11,170
Not cooling, cooling.

407
00:29:11,890 --> 00:29:14,780
Cooling. Oh, yeah. Cooling, not calling.
You know yourself.

408
00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:20,310
In the winter, everything shrinks,
doesn't it?

409
00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:24,340
In the cold, everything gets shorter.

410
00:29:24,341 --> 00:29:27,139
Oh, yeah. I mean, you know that. You
know that yourself.

411
00:29:27,140 --> 00:29:30,150
You know, your what's -her -name gets
shorter in the winter.

412
00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:34,040
Your average day gets shorter in the
winter.

413
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:36,580
Yeah, I know that, yeah.

414
00:29:36,970 --> 00:29:41,129
I mean, it's shrinking because of all
this travel, you see. I mean, all this

415
00:29:41,130 --> 00:29:43,669
setting and shareabank setting and all
that, you know.

416
00:29:43,670 --> 00:29:46,769
I mean, for instance, I'll give you a
for instance. We went up the mountains

417
00:29:46,770 --> 00:29:49,929
while we was out there, see, and on top
of them mountains, there's nothing but

418
00:29:49,930 --> 00:29:50,869
sheep farms.

419
00:29:50,870 --> 00:29:55,390
And one of these sheep farmers actually
offered to buy a heed off me. No.

420
00:29:56,890 --> 00:29:58,890
He offered me six goats for her.

421
00:30:00,070 --> 00:30:01,850
Well, what a waster name that is.

422
00:30:02,190 --> 00:30:04,110
Ede, woman you plighted your trough to.

423
00:30:04,470 --> 00:30:08,429
Woman who vowed to walk with you through
the shallow charade we call luck. Then

424
00:30:08,430 --> 00:30:10,050
again, a goat could come in handy.

425
00:30:12,010 --> 00:30:14,360
Even asked to have a look at her teeth,
you know.

426
00:30:15,030 --> 00:30:17,250
So I said, fair enough, I went for a
walk.

427
00:30:18,050 --> 00:30:19,370
Left Ede with him.

428
00:30:19,570 --> 00:30:21,800
No, I took her with me. Left her teeth
with him.

429
00:30:21,801 --> 00:30:27,499
Up there, you see, livestock, up on them
mountains, livestock is their currency,

430
00:30:27,500 --> 00:30:31,299
you see, and they are so uncivilised
that they actually think they can buy

431
00:30:31,300 --> 00:30:32,350
sell human beings.

432
00:30:32,660 --> 00:30:33,860
Or in this case, Eid.

433
00:30:33,911 --> 00:30:38,179
Barbaric, isn't it? Yeah, that's the
word for it.

434
00:30:38,180 --> 00:30:39,800
Barbaric. Well, I must get off you.

435
00:30:39,801 --> 00:30:42,779
Here, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you
what. You could give me a hand if you

436
00:30:42,780 --> 00:30:43,479
like. Yes?

437
00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:47,030
What do you want me to do? Well, I
thought while I was writing a letter to

438
00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:49,810
you could be out the back feeding the
goats, could you?

439
00:30:58,990 --> 00:31:04,089
It was very interesting watching the
serial earlier on. You know, man's

440
00:31:04,090 --> 00:31:08,929
against the iron fist of a monstrous
tyranny, battling against a regime of

441
00:31:08,930 --> 00:31:11,110
relentless soul -crushing repression.

442
00:31:11,370 --> 00:31:13,110
It's rather like working at the BBC.

443
00:31:13,430 --> 00:31:19,489
For anyone who doubts it, I have managed
to obtain here one of the

444
00:31:19,490 --> 00:31:23,930
BBC's top -secret personal files on
yours truly.

445
00:31:24,230 --> 00:31:26,090
It's frightening, isn't it, really?

446
00:31:26,410 --> 00:31:30,909
How many MPs, I wonder, would sleep
soundly in the House of Commons if they

447
00:31:30,910 --> 00:31:37,330
knew that the BBC keeps a highly
personal file on every one of its

448
00:31:37,710 --> 00:31:41,350
from the lowest T -boy right down to the
producer of the show?

449
00:31:43,070 --> 00:31:50,049
All the files are locked away in the
bowels of Television Centre, just next

450
00:31:50,050 --> 00:31:52,580
to the place where they keep the studio
audiences.

451
00:31:52,581 --> 00:31:56,839
They have to be locked up for their own
good.

452
00:31:56,840 --> 00:32:01,740
Now, this document is, of course, highly
confidential and top secret.

453
00:32:01,940 --> 00:32:05,959
And only the chairman of the BBC himself
must ever be allowed to read what is in

454
00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:07,010
this file.

455
00:32:10,140 --> 00:32:11,400
Name. Name.

456
00:32:12,140 --> 00:32:13,940
Ronald Goliath Corbett.

457
00:32:18,840 --> 00:32:21,180
My parents were nothing if not
optimists.

458
00:32:22,220 --> 00:32:24,120
Ron Goliath Corbett.

459
00:32:24,490 --> 00:32:27,690
Staff number one, five, six, three and a
half.

460
00:32:28,990 --> 00:32:30,040
Six.

461
00:32:30,590 --> 00:32:31,790
Satisfactory progress.

462
00:32:36,530 --> 00:32:38,510
I'm reading the wrong bit there, surely.

463
00:32:41,330 --> 00:32:42,380
No, I'm not.

464
00:32:42,450 --> 00:32:48,109
How dare they. Anyway, occupation, it
says, sits in a chair and tells long

465
00:32:48,110 --> 00:32:49,160
rambling stories.

466
00:32:49,310 --> 00:32:50,360
Nobody knows why.

467
00:32:52,290 --> 00:32:53,950
Physical peculiarities.

468
00:33:07,560 --> 00:33:09,120
They've missed one out, surely.

469
00:33:11,200 --> 00:33:14,740
Oh, no, no, there it is. Yes, it's a
drawing in the margin.

470
00:33:18,391 --> 00:33:20,399
Ha, ha.

471
00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:24,839
Goes over the other side as well. I must
remember to block up the keyhole of my

472
00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:26,040
dressing room in future.

473
00:33:26,260 --> 00:33:27,310
General comments.

474
00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:28,980
This man was funny once.

475
00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:35,199
The occasion was the 4th of June, 1972,
when an audience laughed at one of his

476
00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:38,270
stories. He was later fined for failing
to report an accident.

477
00:33:39,270 --> 00:33:43,969
These days, Constance resorts to cheap
jokes about deprived childhood in order

478
00:33:43,970 --> 00:33:45,390
to gain audience sympathy.

479
00:33:47,210 --> 00:33:52,390
My father did have 17 children and was
very short of cash.

480
00:33:53,750 --> 00:33:55,430
He was pretty short of breath, too.

481
00:33:57,010 --> 00:34:01,670
As a little toddler, I always had to
sleep in the same bed with my 16

482
00:34:02,300 --> 00:34:04,830
We used to lie there and play snap and I
always lost.

483
00:34:08,480 --> 00:34:13,219
So it is not true to say that I keep
doing cheap jokes about my childhood.

484
00:34:13,380 --> 00:34:14,430
Anyway, there we are.

485
00:34:14,560 --> 00:34:18,110
Conclusions. This man's act should carry
a government health warning.

486
00:34:18,239 --> 00:34:21,000
Director General's comments, if
printable.

487
00:34:21,001 --> 00:34:24,379
Nothing is more enjoyable to me than
watching Ronnie Corbett telling a joke

488
00:34:24,380 --> 00:34:25,430
Saturday night.

489
00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:27,360
So in future I'm going to watch nothing.

490
00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:30,679
I particularly dislike him.

491
00:34:30,680 --> 00:34:34,979
I particularly dislike him because he is
such an inquisitive, little, nosy

492
00:34:34,980 --> 00:34:38,239
parker. Well, that's a downright lie.
Not nosy at all.

493
00:34:38,240 --> 00:34:42,079
In that case, why are you reading this
confidential top secret?

494
00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:44,420
I think it's quite enough.

495
00:34:44,421 --> 00:34:47,879
On to tonight's story, which, I'll be
honest, is something of a desperate

496
00:34:47,880 --> 00:34:52,579
choice. It pains me to admit that I
actually got this joke out of Bernard

497
00:34:52,580 --> 00:34:53,630
Manning's dustbin.

498
00:34:54,739 --> 00:34:57,920
Rather a risky thing to do, because he
was still wearing it.

499
00:35:00,570 --> 00:35:05,849
It concerns this little boy who has an
absolute mania for eating toffee. All

500
00:35:05,850 --> 00:35:08,969
long, all he eats is toffee. Sticks of
toffee, slabs of toffee, nothing but

501
00:35:08,970 --> 00:35:12,590
toffee. And his mother is at her wits'
end of how to stop him. Now,

502
00:35:12,950 --> 00:35:17,389
she's recently managed to wean her other
son off lollipops, telling him that

503
00:35:17,390 --> 00:35:18,770
they make your hair fall out.

504
00:35:19,270 --> 00:35:24,009
And now she's got while watching Kojak.
So she thinks maybe this approach... She

505
00:35:24,010 --> 00:35:26,350
thinks... She thinks...

506
00:35:26,351 --> 00:35:29,849
Maybe this approach will work again. So
she proceeds to warn the little boy, she

507
00:35:29,850 --> 00:35:31,889
said, that eating toffee, she said,
makes you fat.

508
00:35:31,890 --> 00:35:34,889
She said, if you go on eating all this
toffee, you'll grow up to be big and

509
00:35:34,890 --> 00:35:37,240
gross and overweight and nobody will
love you.

510
00:35:37,241 --> 00:35:40,709
You can see why Bernard Manning threw
this one away, can't you?

511
00:35:40,710 --> 00:35:44,289
So the weeks go by and all the time the
boy's mother is drumming into him,

512
00:35:44,290 --> 00:35:47,329
eating toffee makes you fat. If you
don't stop eating toffee, you'll grow

513
00:35:47,330 --> 00:35:50,949
enormous. Well, a month or so later,
they're both sitting on the bus,

514
00:35:50,950 --> 00:35:55,450
opposite them is this young lady of a
rather pretty...

515
00:35:55,840 --> 00:35:56,980
You know it, don't you?

516
00:35:57,040 --> 00:36:01,719
Of a rather fragrant nature, you see.
Now, she's clearly quite close to the

517
00:36:01,720 --> 00:36:03,499
happy day, and the little boy notices
this.

518
00:36:03,500 --> 00:36:05,839
And he naturally keeps looking at her,
you see.

519
00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:10,279
Incidentally, at this stage, it would be
very easy to mix this story up with the

520
00:36:10,280 --> 00:36:13,819
other one, you know, about the young
schoolmistress who keeps staying at the

521
00:36:13,820 --> 00:36:15,139
gentleman at the other end of the bus.

522
00:36:15,140 --> 00:36:18,259
When he passes her to get off, she said,
I'm dreadfully sorry, I thought you

523
00:36:18,260 --> 00:36:19,979
were the father of one of my children.

524
00:36:19,980 --> 00:36:21,030
But it is not that.

525
00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:29,109
Just as well it's not that. But this is
not that one. So the little boy can't

526
00:36:29,110 --> 00:36:33,469
take his eyes off this expectant young
lady, you see. And he starts winking at

527
00:36:33,470 --> 00:36:34,750
her. He goes, like that.

528
00:36:35,210 --> 00:36:37,150
Like that.

529
00:36:37,151 --> 00:36:40,309
All through, winking away like that.
Very heavy winking. All through the

530
00:36:40,310 --> 00:36:43,049
journey, he keeps winking, you see. And
eventually, the lady gets rather

531
00:36:43,050 --> 00:36:46,349
distressed. She said, I beg your pardon,
sonny, but do you know me? And the

532
00:36:46,350 --> 00:36:49,060
little boy says, no, but I know what
you've been doing.

533
00:37:18,380 --> 00:37:22,060
Oh, what a twist when we all got most
off.

534
00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:26,810
There's Mr.

535
00:37:27,360 --> 00:37:30,160
Holden. His tone is gold.

536
00:37:30,720 --> 00:37:33,280
His bells are whopper.

537
00:37:34,280 --> 00:37:40,979
Made of copper Goes white with anger
When he drops a clangor

538
00:37:40,980 --> 00:37:47,959
On Friday night At the Temperance Hall
He

539
00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:54,179
was a band Of the Rodgerinners He built
a champion tie He was a band Of the

540
00:37:54,180 --> 00:37:59,779
Rodgerinners All back pulling a drive
Wearing the chains With the bobs and

541
00:37:59,780 --> 00:38:02,080
triples Up on the clarion call

542
00:38:03,180 --> 00:38:09,860
We add troubles when we're down to
doubles. Thursday night,

543
00:38:10,100 --> 00:38:13,460
we join the local philharmonic.

544
00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:18,500
Hovering, quite teutonic. They play
Wagner, they play Crockney.

545
00:38:18,960 --> 00:38:25,579
After that, we're off to do a song of
sonic. With a little gin and

546
00:38:25,580 --> 00:38:26,630
tonic.

547
00:38:38,890 --> 00:38:39,940
I play Messiah.

548
00:38:40,450 --> 00:38:42,250
I play Wheat Fire.

549
00:38:42,970 --> 00:38:44,610
She likes Elijah.

550
00:38:45,730 --> 00:38:48,070
And I'll oblige her.

551
00:38:48,450 --> 00:38:50,390
And I'll oblige her.

552
00:38:53,590 --> 00:38:56,270
Sing -a -ling,

553
00:38:57,890 --> 00:39:02,189
sing -a -ling, we fells on the brain.
And we can't sleep awake for the tinkly

554
00:39:02,190 --> 00:39:06,689
refrain. Then we get a rat -a -tat on
the old windowpane. It's a local knocker

555
00:39:06,690 --> 00:39:07,740
up a building high.

556
00:39:08,330 --> 00:39:12,370
Half asleep in a heap in your bed and
your sock. Nearly eight, don't be late,

557
00:39:12,430 --> 00:39:16,329
rat -a -tat, Billy Knott. Guess he'll
get to thick here for his next Christmas

558
00:39:16,330 --> 00:39:19,290
party. Billy Hardwick.

559
00:39:19,510 --> 00:39:23,849
Though he was a bandy chap, his little
handicap, it didn't stop his larks. With

560
00:39:23,850 --> 00:39:28,229
the lasses in the parks, he was so
passionate, he couldn't ration it. They

561
00:39:28,230 --> 00:39:30,460
called him Willie, Willie, Billy
Hardwick.

562
00:39:30,790 --> 00:39:35,129
Now he had a happy life, not so his
little wife. She took it very bad and

563
00:39:35,130 --> 00:39:36,180
very, very mad.

564
00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:39,940
She grabbed the carving knife, cut off
his social life. Silly Billy.

565
00:39:40,540 --> 00:39:45,080
Oh, wait. Knockers up, knockers up, when
you're out on the spree. Knockers up,

566
00:39:45,160 --> 00:39:49,739
knockers up, and a maiden you see lying
flat on her back. Knockers up, let her

567
00:39:49,740 --> 00:39:51,740
be. That's the moral of the tale of
Billy.

568
00:39:58,250 --> 00:40:03,150
We play far from Rundale on civic
occasions.

569
00:40:03,370 --> 00:40:07,970
We're going to Oldham on Saturday night.

570
00:40:08,170 --> 00:40:12,450
We ring for the mayors and their big
corporations.

571
00:40:13,370 --> 00:40:17,470
We're going to Oldham on Saturday night.

572
00:40:20,910 --> 00:40:27,650
is known as Big Beth's Fair. The front
of her dress there is bolding and tight.

573
00:40:28,010 --> 00:40:34,609
We'll have a right gala in Beth's secret
bar because we're going to

574
00:40:34,610 --> 00:40:37,850
hold them on Saturday night.

575
00:40:49,790 --> 00:40:51,630
Sam and Higginbottom Fred.

576
00:40:52,170 --> 00:40:56,470
Higginbottom Jim, who is slightly dumb,
and he's up the spout.

577
00:40:57,570 --> 00:41:02,389
Higginbottom Ed, with a big bracelet,
and Obadiah Dutton, who's a little

578
00:41:02,390 --> 00:41:07,370
kev. Winterbottom Dan, he's a cold stern
man, and they're all clapped out.

579
00:41:08,070 --> 00:41:12,629
There's poor old Eli getting in a
Twitter, for he's had a lot of bitter

580
00:41:12,630 --> 00:41:17,129
Friday night, and he lifts his bell, his
brow begins to wrinkle when he has a

581
00:41:17,130 --> 00:41:19,090
little tinkle in his bite. All right.

582
00:41:29,900 --> 00:41:35,059
So we're in London, we're in the house,
and we do the hokey -cokey and we shake

583
00:41:35,060 --> 00:41:39,220
them all about. There's a note or two,
doesn't quite ring through, and we say,

584
00:41:39,380 --> 00:41:40,480
Bye, Ed.

585
00:41:40,940 --> 00:41:45,679
Is it Arthur Twist with his limp right
wrist? He's a real damp high -camp

586
00:41:45,680 --> 00:41:50,499
campanologist. He's a small old boy, she
can suck my... Now it will ring his

587
00:41:50,500 --> 00:41:51,550
neck.

588
00:42:04,820 --> 00:42:10,080
Alderman Tootle, living in Bootle, got
three things with gruff and skill,

589
00:42:10,240 --> 00:42:15,540
management class and plenty of brass,
and a lot in trouble up a hill.

590
00:42:15,930 --> 00:42:20,790
Now he's defunct, his widow has flown. A
statue of him, gaunt and grim.

591
00:42:21,030 --> 00:42:23,710
And what he did to all the people.

592
00:42:24,110 --> 00:42:25,790
Corporation's pittance to on him.

593
00:42:26,170 --> 00:42:30,889
He was a friend of the rock star ringer.
He was a friend of the rock star

594
00:42:30,890 --> 00:42:34,429
ringer. He was a friend of the rock star
ringer. He was a friend of the rock

595
00:42:34,430 --> 00:42:35,609
star ringer. He was a friend of the rock
star ringer. He was a friend of the

596
00:42:35,610 --> 00:42:36,409
rock star ringer.

597
00:42:36,410 --> 00:42:43,249
He was a friend of the rock star ringer.
He was a friend of the rock

598
00:42:43,250 --> 00:42:44,970
star ringer.

599
00:42:47,931 --> 00:42:50,019
well that

600
00:42:50,020 --> 00:43:07,859
appears

601
00:43:07,860 --> 00:43:13,309
to be all we have time for tonight but
before we go a few items of late news

602
00:43:13,310 --> 00:43:17,390
bionic man was released from hospital
tonight after falling into the Thames.

603
00:43:17,610 --> 00:43:20,260
Doctors told him to spend a few days at
home rustling.

604
00:43:22,210 --> 00:43:26,809
Trainee skin divers Bob and Betty
Bletchley set a new record today after

605
00:43:26,810 --> 00:43:30,289
their instructor if it was possible to
have sex in six feet of water and being

606
00:43:30,290 --> 00:43:32,090
told to fathom it out for themselves.

607
00:43:34,070 --> 00:43:39,129
And it was good news today for the edge
-bastard man jailed for five years for

608
00:43:39,130 --> 00:43:40,180
stealing records.

609
00:43:40,540 --> 00:43:42,220
He's being re -released on Friday.

610
00:43:43,280 --> 00:43:47,379
And a happy outcome for Rear Admiral Sir
Percy Hodgkinson after he fell into a

611
00:43:47,380 --> 00:43:50,979
vat of fresh whipped cream this morning
in Portsmouth. He was piped aboard his

612
00:43:50,980 --> 00:43:52,030
ship this afternoon.

613
00:43:53,780 --> 00:43:59,139
Finally, we have heard that Arnold
Plunger, Britain's oldest plumber, was

614
00:43:59,140 --> 00:44:02,900
finally called to meet his maker. He
said he'd be round in about three weeks.

615
00:44:02,901 --> 00:44:07,389
Until then, it's goodnight from me. And
it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

616
00:44:07,390 --> 00:44:11,940
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